(TELEPHONE VOICE stands CS, holding her fingers up to her ears to signify
a phone receiver, and speaks with an absolutely wild amount of enthusiasm.)
TELEPHONE VOICE: Thank you for calling SoapLine, your source for the
hottest storylines in daytime television! Here's what's happening
on your favorite programs for the week of August 31st through September
4th. On "The Rich and the Powerful," Lance receives word that he
has been cut from his mother's will, and in a horrible rage, he spends
the day golfing. Meanwhile, Carlisle and Brick get one step closer
to finding out Sandy's real identity; and Sasha makes passionate love to
Annette for twelve hours on the beach. On "Hospital World," Lucinda
confronted Matt on the balcony; the surprise witness at Cal's trial turned
out to be his former lover and sworn enemy, Jeanette; and Robin's second
personality, "Sheila", was revealed. On "The Wild and the Unlaundered,"
Josephine fell asleep at the wheel of her minivan and plowed into the side
of a schoolbus, killing dozens of young children on their way to kindergarten;
and Marcellus had a relapse and huffed a gallon of paint thinner.
On "Misery Loves Company," Roger's plastic surgeon accidentally removed
his nose and replaced it with a baboon's ass; Bobbie fell into a vat of
cottage cheese and drowned; and Michael got his elbows caught in a meat
grinder at the deli. On "Sexy People Getting Down", Ronald and Melissa
stripped to the bone and fucked each other like wild dingos in the outback;
Theodore gave Yolanda the cunnilingus of her life, causing her to shout
"Every other man in my life has had a tongue like a cheese grater compared
to you, baby!"; and Jeffrey discovered Marcia butt naked in a bathtub full
of chocolate sauce, and casually remarked, "Hey, baby, let's fuck!"
Finally, on "The Edge of Chaos," Mel accidentally snorted several grams
of DMT, after which his entire face completely melted off all over the
goddamn floor; Randy joined a strange internet drug cult and found his
life transformed by the people, the places, the love, the compassion, and
of course, the relentless series of DMT enemas which he was powerless to
resist; a tanker truck full of DMT accidentally smashed into County Hospital,
spilling gallon after endless gallon of DMT all over everything, soaking
dozens and dozens of people in the strange fabric of a bizarre and frightening
encounter with malevolent alien intelligences who proceeded to suck their
souls COMPLETELY DRY; and Louise realized that she'd left her checkbook
at the bank, and had to go all the way back for it... WHILE SLURPING AYAHUASCA
OUT OF A TWO LITRE BOTTLE SO FAST IT WAS MAKING HER ENTIRE GODDAMN
HEAD VIBRATE LIKE A MAGNIFICENT INTERDIMENSIONAL BEACON SIGNALLING THE
END OF THE WHOLE FUCKING PLANET! Oh my fucking GOD could I use some
DMT right now! Holy fucking SHIT I need some DMT right now!
Anybody out there got any fucking DMT?? I just need one little VAT
full of DMT, that's ALL I FUCKING NEED, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT?
Whoo boy! (pause; then extremely casual) Hey, man, anybody out there
know how to score any drugs?