WHY IS YOUR SITE SO BIG AND WEIRD?
You think this site is big and weird? You shoulda seen some of the stuff we had to remove. This was before the electroshock period, mind you. Plus this site doesn't even have a single Boing. It's not even a half Boing. It is not weird, trust me. Those Boing people are having weird shipped in directly via sekret tunnels underneath the earth. Of course, they have to screen it because a lot of times it just looks like reruns of Scrubs, but every now and then... well, you get the picture. No one sends reruns of Scrubs to us. So back off with your big and weird site question, pal. This is a medium-sized and moderately unusual site, and that's the way we like it.

HOW DO I MAKE THE SITE WORK?
There are a couple of key ways:

• Feeds - if you are super modern and want Scotto.org content delivered to you via feeds, each site section offers exactly that, or you can simply get a master feed that encompasses all new content to be posted on the site. Yes, we are happy to push content down your throat until you literally choke on it. That's why we add a minty flavor to each post, just to make that a little nicer on the back end.
  

  Whole site feed
  Blog section feed
  Stories section feed
  Scripts section feed
  Videos section feed
  Music section feed
  Non-Fiction section feed
  Books section feed



• If that doesn't work, you can always use these new-fangled things called Browsers to "navigate" - some would say, "chart a course for DANGER!" - and start clicking wildly on links until you find something that catches your eye. But BEWARE - for you may stumble across a Russian curseware virus that will blind your eyeballs and drain your bank accounts. See this cautionary tale to see exactly how malicious this curseware can be - it can turn you into toilet paper, for god's sake!


• If you sign up for a user account, you can then leave Comments on any piece of content on the site. This enables Scotto's lords and masters to determine how well he is stirring up the unruly masses and fomenting revolution. Also, it lets him know that posting the cute picture of his wife in a bunny costume was a sweet idea.


• The Blog section will be used for announcements of new content, as well as random thoughts that seem worth recording but not worth cataloging along with the rest of the library. We imagine a conversation could emerge there. Then again, we also imagine a giant python is currently wrapping itself around our leg and "snuggling" in a fashion that will clearly require tissue repair, so as always, your mileage may vary.

HOW DO I GET IN TOUCH WITH SCOTTO DIRECTLY?
There are two approved methods:

• Leave a comment on one of the site posts. Scotto, his intern, their staff of trained monkeys, and their fleet of robot dogs, will sift the comments for those that sparkle and glisten like moon rocks in the sun. Those commenters will be subjected to a rigorous background check, followed by a vastly less rigorous background check in which what we're really checking is the foreground, and as much of it as we can. You know, for security. Depending on the results of that, you either get a private audience with Scotto and his interns, or you get devoured by the robot dogs. So yeah, it's really easy.


• Or you can send an email directly to scotto (at) scotto.org. Scotto's email is screened by 48 layers of artificial intelligence and obfuscation. Which is helpful, because Scotto cannot actually read. At some point, if the stars align, and a really good song comes on the radio, and Scotto doesn't happen to be unconscious from shotgunning carbogen, you might get a response. Right on!

I DIDN'T WANT A FAQ ABOUT SCOTTO.ORG - I WANTED ONE ABOUT SCOTTO!
Pout much? Well, look - Scotto has already offered several heart-breaking autobiographical tales in his Non-Fiction section. Seriously, these are tales that make emus cry. I know - I was there, collecting emu tears into Tupperware and scampering off into the undergrowth before the media hordes descended. I was brought by the bedside of a blind woman, where I anointed her eyes with emu tears, and lo and behold, she sprang up, her sight restored, singing Stevie Wonder. However, it was not a Stevie song that I enjoyed, and I was forced to pluck out the woman's eyes in order to restore balance. I think you might have seen all this on a recent CSI. Anyway, the important thing here is that if you wanted to know more about him than what he'd posted to this site, you could intimidate his family and friends with offers of large cash payouts for big four page spreads in US magazine. His sister will wear a bikini for that. I don't know why I'm telling you this.