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Contract Issues

During the year 2002, Scotto became enamored of using the notion of a “tri-state killing spree” as a way to interrupt threads on the Scrytch list and generally make an annoyance of himself. No opportunity to use “tri-state killing spree” as a punch line or an inappropriate answer was missed, and eventually, the members of the list were forced to act. – Andrea Change (curator, Scottoweb)

To: The Association
From: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
Subject: Contract Issues

Colleagues,

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that we intend to terminate the contract with one "Scott O. Moore," who performs in the semi-regular role of "Scotto" and/or "severed, floating head of Scotto" etc., as of end of this season. Although we initially felt the character held much promise, the writing staff feel the character has devolved into a sad caricature of its original potential. While the rest of the cast has grown into itself with each passing season, the "Scotto" character is stunted and humorless, lacking even a requisite amount of sexual appeal or even basic charisma, and further, the "tri-state killing spree" subplot has failed to produce even the tiniest hint of complexity in the overall storyline. Indeed, in times like these, and in fact we might append "as usual" to this clause, we find the "Scotto" character mired in tasteless, remorseless immorality without any accompanying wit or intelligence to merit the character's continuing inclusion in our storyline.

I have scheduled an extra session with the writing staff to iron out the wrinkles this character's deletion will cause from next season's story arc. I expect this meeting to last approximately eight minutes. A new story bible will be provided to all freelance writers with episodes in the queue.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,
Dr. Nicholas Solitude
Executive Producer

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To: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
From: William Slade
CC: The Association
Re: Contract Issues

Nicholas,

Good to hear from you again. I'm glad the syphilis actually cleared up this time. For christ's sake, man, will you please learn to "wrap your willie" as the kids say. Sorry to be crass, I'm actually logging in from a nudie poker machine in a bar in Wichita. As long as I keep getting three nekkid brunettes with that "I am going to suck you dry" look on their oh so carefully pursed lips, I will be able to keep this connection.

Scotto left Wichita yesterday, as best as I can reconstruct it. The local cops think they are looking for, depending on who they are listening to, a) a midget professional wrestler by the name The Flying Impala, b) Jon Bon Jovi, or c) Darren Bauler. Scotto is a treacherous beast, to be sure. He managed to butcher an entire 7-11 and make off with the Slurpee machine, which I believe he intends to modify and sell to Pakistan to help with their nucular programme.

He is headed for Missouri. My intelligence informs me that he once worked for Six Flags Over St. Louis. Those people must be warned, Nicholas. You know that, and I know that. I realize the business of wearing Daffy Duck and Porky Pig costumes in public on some level actually deserves what is headed their way; nevertheless, we can’t afford another high profile disaster like this. Moreover, my per diems absolutely must be raised; the hookers have all started charging a lot more, what with the economy in the dumps (those wretched wenches of misery and shameless delight).

With respect and deep admiration,
Police Chief William Slade


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To: The Association
From: Darren Bauler
Re: Contract Issues

Let me be extremely clear on this matter. That man is a genre hack who hasn’t written a word without the aid of booze or speed in the last 48 years – I have documented evidence of this. I have already put my people on this matter, so please call off the Association “lawyers” (or whatever it is you call the unnatural whores of Satan’s grandmother that do all your house cleaning these days).

Sincerely and with deep affection and abiding love and devotion,
Darren Bauler


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To: The Association
From: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
Re: Contract Issues

Look, it’s not like he was promised a continuance into next season. Indeed, the only practical effect of this contract termination is to let him know that we simply won’t be requiring his services as we move forward with the story – we have several considerably important and intertwining stories to consider that make full, dramatic use of the regular cast, requiring new, fresh supporting characters to take us through to the story arc’s logical conclusion. I fail to see why strike teams must be mobilized and the Association must be propelled to Hazard Level Four simply because one minor character is being written off the series. Could we please have some perspective, people? He wasn’t even a sympathetic character to start with! Audience members routinely vomited and shat themselves when he appeared! I seriously doubt we will actually feel any ill effects from the termination of this aesthetic experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong.

On a side note, Mr. Slade, if you do see my daughter while you’re out on assignment, by all means would you please let her know she is sorely missed, and if she requires an intense regimen of antibiotics upon her return, we will NOT judge her harshly.

My most heartfelt regards to all the beloved members of the Association,
Dr. Nicholas Solitude
Executive Producer


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To: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
From: William Slade
CC: The Association
Re: Contract Issues

I was too late. Six Flags parks have a policy that the snotty-nosed, pimple-faced 15-year-olds who wear the giant Daffy Duck costumes can NOT have their heads removed in sight of park “guests.” I believe their policy was intended to cover the simple removal of the fiberglass Duck head or any other costume head, and not the actual decapitation of the performer within, but I fear that Scotto has long since lost the ability to care for such corporate niceties.

He is headed for Iowa.

With my most undying gratitude, bewildering worship, and mind-numbing desire to please, I remain, most sincerely and devotedly, your slave and puppet,
Police Chief William Slade


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From: Hamilton Murphy, Esq.
To: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
CC: The Association
Re: Contract Issues

Esteemed colleagues,

We have analyzed the contract in question using cutting edge quantum probability analysis and have determined that the character in question is entitled to one final episode (where “episode” is clearly established by appearances in “Please Do Not Touch Me There,” “Why Must You Persist In Touching Me There,” “Good Christ I Had No Idea You Were So Contagious,” “Orphans And Their Sad Vulnerabilities,” and “The Many Uses of Oil”). I regret to inform the Association that the current subplot is actually covered under the performer’s existing contract not yet legally nullified, the Geneva Convention, and the most recent ruling by the Multiversal High Court in the case “The People versus Hollywood Smith and His All One-Legged Chorus Line.” To wit: early elimination of the character before its natural aesthetic conclusion is actually a violation of the contract in question and can be successfully appealed by the performer, with potential victory condition of enforced continuation of contract, at great inconvenience to our writing staff.

We recommend: a) the summary removal of Chief Slade from the situation, b) negotiation with the Bauler for his parties’ retreat from the situation, and c) allowing Scotto to complete his so-called “tri-state killing spree” in Iowa. We realize that the families of the hapless Iowans in question may eventually through some bizarre twist of probability discover our culpability and bring suit, but the damages will be considerably less than Scotto himself could manage to attain, considering his knowledge of our organization and his ability to insert himself into the story at any point along its natural timeline, regardless of typical laws of nature or aesthetic prudence.

Cheerfully yours,
Hamilton Murphy, Esq.


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From: Courtney Wormwood
To: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
Re: the Scotto problem

The brass is totally on my ass about this, Nicholas. They think you’ve misjudged the whole situation. They keep blathering on about “heart of gold” and “surprisingly sensitive” and “sends fruitcakes on holidays before fucking our wives.” I don’t really get it. But the fact is, he’s got support in high places, and you can’t just nuke him like this. Especially because, he knows where all of us live. I mean, jesus, Nicholas, did you honestly think you could just “get away” with this? Use your fucking head for a change. When the fuck did this series EVER give a rat’s diseased, inflamed, pestilent ass about continuity or character development? It’s all about who delivers the most “bang” for the “buck” and if there was a gerund or prepositional phrase that Scotto wouldn’t “bang” for a “buck” then we must clearly be dealing with two separate people.

Upshot: write the asshole a new contract, give him a love interest, do the whole “villain to hero” transfiguration, then spin him off onto a different fucking network. This is not brain science, Nicholas!

On a separate note, I want to be clear, my husband and I did in fact appreciate the fruitcake you sent for Christmas, and you do not need to fuck me to prove that you were sincere in sending it.

With a vague sort of fondness reminiscent of something slightly more engaging than abject apathy,
Courtney


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From: Dr. Nicholas Solitude
To: The Association
Re: Contact Issues

Colleagues,

It is with a certain amount of embarrassment and discomfort that I must retract my statements of earlier this week. Although the creative staff and I did deeply feel that we had used up the Scotto character to its fullest and most sickening potential, Scotto himself in fact proved us quite wrong by demonstrating via his vile and unspeakable acts in Iowa over the past three days (acts now collectively referred to by the popular media as “The Broccoli Rapes”) that he is still quite capable of stimulating new and invigorating twists to the ongoing storyline, while nevertheless relying on classic tropes (indeed, “tri state killing spree” ought now be nominated for a rightful place in the Smithsonian) to accomplish innovative new effects.

Please disregard all previous messages concerning the contract of “Scott O. Moore” and related characters. We now anticipate this delightful, marvelous performer to be with us for an untold myriad of episodes to come.

That is all,
Dr. Nicholas Solitude
Executive Producer



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