ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen!  People of Burning Man!  The phone company is your enemy!  Destroy your telephones now while you still can!
GIRL (stage R, on the phone): No way, man, the phone company?
BOY (stage L, on the phone): That's what I heard, man, that's what I heard!  The phone company is like evil, man!
ANNOUNCER: For years and years, the phone company has been WORKING AGAINST YOU!  Listening to your phone calls!  Compiling an elaborate database of information about YOUR PERSONAL HABITS!  Keeping track of your GOALS IN LIFE, and then PLOTTING FOR THE DAY when the vast phone company conspiracy can SHOW ITS TRUE FACE, THWART YOU AT EVERY TURN, and TAKE OVER THE UNITED STATES!
GIRL (terrified): No way, man, no way!
BOY (equally terrified): Way, man, way!
ANNOUNCER: You have no defense against the great evil that is the phone company!  You cannot escape its grasp!
GIRL: What if we used like smoke signals?
BOY: It'll never work, man!
GIRL: No, come on, man!
BOY: No way, man, we're fucked, man, we're fucked!
ANNOUNCER: Even now, the phone company has its top secret satellite network trained on every square inch of this great land of ours, soaking up every conversation, gathering every stray thought you dare utter into the atmosphere.  They're listening to you.  The phone company is listening!  With one ear on your telephone conversations, and the other ear listening for FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS from their INFERNAL MASTERS down in HELL ITSELF, the minions of the phone company have you RIGHT WHERE THEY WANT YOU!
GIRL & BOY (in unison): Oh no!
ANNOUNCER: Don't give in to the great, pernicious evil that is the phone company!  Resist while you still can!  Resist!  Resist!  Resist!
OFF-STAGE VOICE: This message brought to you by the United States Postal Service.